No one looking good at Maroondah Hospital

Sallow complexions all round thanks to the harsh light rebounding off the cream walls.

There are animal murals (hanging monkeys, lounging zebras, feeding giraffes) for the kids but in outpatients today it’s the elderly couples. Typically, the man is the patient.

Later in the evening it will be teenage boys in moonboots, after jumping drunk from bridges and roofs, laughing loudly at unfunny YouTube clips of drunken yobs jumping from bridges and roofs.

“Mr Cedric Saunter to the colonoscopy room please”. Poor old tubby Cedric with a big bandage on the top of his head and two hearing aids – the men also have the hearing aids – struggles up out of his seat producing a fart (think, bubbling hotpot casserole) and totters off to his appointment led by his doting equally portly wife.

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