The AFL Unlikely All Stars

Australian poet Les Murray once said he had never seen a decent poet who actually looked like a poet. It’s amazing how many champion footballers don’t look like footballers.

To that group add those players who don’t look good enough to be playing, those with extreme eccentricities, and those who fail to fulfill their enormous potential and you have:-

The Unlikely All Stars:

BP: STAN MAGRO: actually an excellent back pocket player who represented Victoria. Unfortunately he’s here because he was short and bandy-legged. Also I can’t get the footage of Kevin Bartlett waltzing around him on the boundary in the 1980 Grand Final out of my head.

FB: STEPHEN SILVAGNI: Yes, I know what you’re thinking: “What’s the Fullback of the Century, a great overhead mark and an exceptional goal kicker doing in this team?” Well, the answer is long sleeves and bow legs.

BP: JAKE KING: On a football ground, as on a fashion catwalk, short legs are not a good look. Much of what this grim-faced waddler and push-up guru did wasn’t pleasant viewing but was deceptively quick, had excellent goal sense, and was a brutal defender. Being fearless with a diminutive frame comes at a cost. In 2012 he broke a wrist and fractured a cheekbone, and required operations on a broken foot and hand, a strained knee and a torn groin. It was a miracle he made it to 107 games.

B: MICHAEL TUCK: Who could believe a man who looked like this would be the all time games record holder and one of the best players ever? He started out at 60 kgs and eventually “filled out” to a massive 74kgs. Stick-thin, and he wore long sleeves of course.

CHB: DUSTIN FLETCHER: What right did a skinny school kid have winning a premiership in his first year? And how can a man who still looks like a skinny child at 37 years of age be on the verge of breaking Essendon’s all time games record and be considered one of the greatest defenders in the game’s history? Did I mention he is a redhead?

HB: BRUCE DOULL: This halfback flanker had 356 games, 5 premierships, 4 best and fairest awards, bad hair, an awful beard, and a dreadful headband; and was once seen running away from a female streaker.

C: TERRY KEAYS: a Collingwood wunderkind debuting as a 16 year old in 1987. Although strongly built and naturally gifted he never really established himself at the Pies or later at Richmond.

HF: BRETT HEADY: an afterthought in the 1989 Draft, Heady developed into a potent attacking player in West Coast’s premiership teams of the ’90s. Looked like a bellboy though.

CHF: ALLEN JAKOVICH: An extrovert who kicked 209 mainly brilliant goals – and missed almost as many – from just 54 games. The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long. Jakovich only lasted four and a half seasons.

HF: NATHAN ABLETT: Retired at 21 years of age after kicking three goals in the 2007 Grand Final, citing a desire for a normal life. Realising normal can also mean boring he returned to the AFL with the Gold Coast four years later but was delisted. Suns coach Guy McKenna explained that he was too slow and that the game had passed him by. We’ll never know if his premature retirement cost the game a superstar.

FP:TED HOPKINS: A true Renaissance man. Hopkins – who looked like a poet, and was one – was a junior water skiing champion, a park ranger and an economics graduate who founded Champion Data . More importantly, he was the professional bench warmer with poor eyesight who somehow kicked four goals in the famous Carlton comeback against Collingwood in the 1970 Grand Final.

It’s a shame he didn’t also dabble in optometry, as a pair of contact lenses may have enhanced his on-field performances.

FF:WARWICK CAPPER: No explanation required.

FP:KEVIN BARTLETT: A decade after being undone by a poet/water skier/statistician, Collingwood would be destroyed in a grand final by a chap with a comb over and a lace up jumper. This John Howard-Dick Smith lookalike kicked 7 goals in the 1980 decider to win the last of his 5 premierships. He would later become an Australian Football Hall of Fame Legend.

FOLL:MICK NOLAN: The “galloping gasometer” couldn’t see his feet for his enormous stomach but knew where his rovers were. A great tap ruckman and an important player in North Melbourne’s first premiership in 1975.

LEIGH MATTHEWS: The great man needs no introduction but the AFL’s official greatest player of all time did look, at best, like a porn film extra and, at his worst,  a greengrocer or hardware store proprietor.

TONY SHAW: The Danny Devito of the AFL. Short, plump, slow as a wet week, and struggled to kick further than thirty metres but the 1990 Norm Smith Medallist was strong, tough, and clever.

INT: PETER “CRACKERS”  KEENAN: A real character who appeared to have no teeth.

MARK “JACKO” JACKSON: A possible madman who definitely had no teeth.

RONNY WEARMOUTH: with the worst hair (even for the ’70s) and his rodent-like features Wearmouth just pips John “The Rat” Platten.

JADE RAWLINGS: A player who failed to fulfil his promise, or just an ordinary player?

COACH: ALLAN JEANS: I had to choose between Jeans, a former policeman who often wore a raincoat, and John Kennedy, a former school principal who also wore a raincoat. Both were great coaches, but Jeans was shorter.

Great Sports Documentaries Part Two: “Hell On Wheels”

The director of Hell On Wheels (2004) wanted to reveal “what it means to go to the edge of physical possibilities, to see heroes doing things normal people can’t do, to be so close to see into their souls”.

The film is a documentary about the 2003 Tour de France. It follows the German outfit Team Telekom, particularly the great sprinter and multiple green jersey winner Erik Zabel and his loyal domestique and roommate of ten years Rolf Aldag.

The closest the film gets to its stated goal is during Stage 9 in the Alps, when it follows the tormented climbs of three dropped riders up the Col du Lautaret (2058m) and then the Col d’Izoard (2360m).

One struggles up into the slipstream of another only to suddenly grimace and rip his foot from the pedal, collapsing at the side of the road. Cameras and microphones record his physical distress and shame.

Then Frenchman Jimmy Casper eventually gives in to his exhaustion, flinging the bike against the railing and hurrying into the ‘sag wagon’.

The final victim, Zabel’s teammate Andréas Klöden, eventually succumbs to a fractured coccyx suffered in a mass pile-up on the first Stage. Later he would say “The worst part is riding in the damn clean-up van. You pass all the spectators at five kilometres an hour. You just want to pull your hat down so nobody sees you.”

It’s the intimacy of the film that makes it so special.

We are in the team bus watching them recover. We witness them sweating, struggling for breath, spitting, coughing up phlegm, and having their wounds treated. In the absence of conversation the slap of massaged flesh is a constant.

During the racing we hear the riders’ laboured breathing, the staccato whining of the helicopter and the crowd’s distorted cheering. The sustained speeds even on the steepest ascents are remarkable and only become obvious when you see a sprinting spectator get left behind.

The introspection of Zabel makes him an excellent subject. Nearing the end of his career he questions his motivation and contemplates the rise of the young sprinters McEwen, Cooke and Petacchi.

In a touching tribute to his closest teammate he admits “I owe so many of my successes to Rolf where he absolutely sacrificed himself. You can never repay someone for that. You can say stuff like, ‘I’ll never forget you for that’, but you can never give it back.”

The team’s elderly and doting masseur is Zabel’s confidant.

The film’s original German title is Höllentour, meaning Hell Tour – an appropriate description for what was about to take place.

Of course this was the year of the famous Stage 15 in the Pyrenees from Bagnères-de-Bigorre to Luz-Ardiden. A resurgent Jan Ullrich had dropped Armstrong on the Tourmalet only for the reigning champion to pull him back.

Half way into the tortuous climb of Luz-Ardiden, Armstrong’s handlebars caught a spectator’s musette, flinging him to the ground. Ullrich avoided crashing but didn’t attack Armstrong while he was recovering, following the unwritten rule that the yellow jersey holder be allowed to recover from a crash.

The incident put Armstrong into another zone and he overtook the leaders. The film shows the fiery-eyed American ploughing alone through the mist and the crowd as he approaches the summit.

It is ironic that Ullrich’s action was labelled that of a “true champion” because it probably cost him victory in the Tour.

With the doping revelations that have surfaced since, the film’s interest value has increased significantly.

In what was deemed at the time to be one of the great Tour feats, Tyler Hamilton rode with a broken collarbone to win the final mountain stage.

Zabel commented, “Hamilton really took off like a motorcycle. Everyone just shook their heads. Groups of ten kept trying to catch him and every ten kilometres they fell back, exhausted. They couldn’t believe it.”

It seems the best judge of dopers are the riders themselves, as Hamilton later admitted to systematic doping. A calendar seized during Operation Puerto allegedly indicated that Hamilton performed two blood transfusions during the 2003 Tour.

Alexandre Vinokourov is also inadvertently implicated by one of his own Team Telekom teammates after winning the ninth stage. “But I really admire Vino’s stamina. It’s impressive when he passes you like that. Almost like a motorcycle!”

Vinokourov would be removed from the 2007 Tour because of blood doping. Earlier that year Zabel and Aldag admitted to “experimenting” with EPO during the 1996 race.

Lance Armstrong may have been referring to close calls with doping officials rather than the unnerving fear engendered by the centenary edition of the great race when he commented:-

“This has been a Tour of too many problems; too many close calls, too many near misses, I just wish it would stop. Many of the problems I haven’t discussed, but there have been a lot of strange things that happened this Tour de France that I need to stop having. It’s been a very odd, crisis-filled Tour.”

Significantly, this was the Tour in which Australia proved it was a major cycling force. In recent history individuals had performed well but this year Australia was over-represented in the achievement ranks.

The opening prologue would be won by FDJeux.com’s Bradley McGee, who would then work as lead-out man for his sprinter Baden Cooke, in a ding-dong battle for the green jersey with Robbie McEwen that would go down to the final sprint on the Champs-Elysées.
Stuart O’Grady, a previous holder of the yellow jersey and runner-up in the green, would also be prominent in the finishes, claiming the special Centenaire classification.

In May 2011, however, a UCI report leaked to the French daily sports newspaper L’Equipe included a list of riders in the 2010 Tour who “showed overwhelming evidence of some kind of doping, due to recurring anomalies, enormous variations in parameters, and even the identification of doping products or methods”. Australians Michael Rogers and Matthew Lloyd were two such riders.

In an article for the sports website The Roar http://www.theroar.com.au/2012/02/12/with-drugs-so-rife-could-australians-be-doping-too/ I asked if the golden era of Australian road cycling was tainted?

Last year O’Grady admitted he took EPO prior to the 1998 Tour.

The documentary also highlights the difficult relationship between rider and spectator. To survive, the competitors must turn inwards and ignore the crowd. They may not always respect it either. Writer and amateur cyclist Tim Krabbe wrote, “Tourists and locals are watching from sidewalk cafes. Non-racers. The emptiness of those lives shocks me.”

The film’s historian/philosopher explains: “Hinault, Lapize, Indurain, and Armstrong come to you, the regular guy, the loser[!], the metro commuter. Cycling is the only sport that ennobles its audience.”

The ‘losers’ also come to be mesmerised by the feats of these sporting psychotics. And to leer at the spectacle of elite athletes who look like they’re on death’s door – gaunt, skeletal and weather-beaten – and wonder why they do it.

Erik Zabel didn’t appear to know why he did it, admitting “As a cyclist you shouldn’t think too much.”