The Real Reason Australia Lost The Ashes

Ricky Ponting made uninspired decisions and had no luck with the toss. The selectors left out Stuart Clark when he should have played and left him in when he should have been out. Johnson’s fear of Lord’s and his mother was very costly. Australia failed to turn advantage into victory and had more batting lapses. Yes, all these factors contributed to our recent series loss in England.

But I believe the Ashes were gone the minute England unveiled its impressive armoury of …. underbiters.

For the Australians, arriving at the crease was like entering a malocclusion horror show. There peering from between the stumps and sniggering was the Muttley mug of Matt Prior. With a shudder you turned only to be confronted with the Graemes Swann and Onions, their prominent mandibles quivering in anticipation.

In the second innings at Edgbaston as Swann skipped in to bowl “THAT BALL” Ponting was focusing on THAT MOUTH!

In the first innings the commentators believed Onions got Ponting out attempting to hook when in fact Ponting was attempting to turn away from the Onions face.

If  that wasn’t enough, our dismissed batsmen trudging from the field  had England team director Andy Flower’s misaligned masticator grinning down at them from the balcony.

Ian Bell, squatting at silly mid wicket, tried his hardest to put off the Australians by highlighting his squirrel-like lips with zinc.

Australia countered, with some  effect,  by having Peter ‘Gingivitis’ Siddle frighten the umpires into giving batsmen out by also wearing zinc on his lips. Unlike Andrew Symonds, Siddle’s teeth aren’t in great shape and when contrasted with the brilliant white of the zinc take on the yellow-green hue of trench mouth.

When appealing he resembled the psychotic circus ringmaster from The League Of Gentlemen, Papa Lazarou (“You’re my wife nooow!”)

Papa and Peter Lazarou

Pete and Papa Lazarou

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